015: To forth, and beyond.

I’ve decided that I don’t know what I really want.

I want to travel around Canada. I really do. The idea of moving to the North feels right. I could survive the winters, and as long as I have access to HIV medication, (I don’t want to hide the fact anymore.) then I will be fine.

I want to be immersed in another culture, another language. It necessarily doesn’t have to be a First Nations/Inuit culture that I would love to be in, but maybe Nova Scotia/New Brunswick - where I could learn Gaelic and learn how to jig. It’s either that, or I want to be somewhere that reminds me of home. Or even in a street full of those really pretty houses that are all different shades of eccentric colours from Yellow to Black. That’ll remind me of Greenland or the Faroe Islands.

I have found the person that I want to do this with, and I have a feeling that I do want to become a social worker eventually. I don’t think that I’m too compelled to be going to school. I have a feeling that I would majorly fuck up my education, because I am not encouraged to continue with that at this time, so I do not want to risk it.

The first step is to become Canadian, and then progress from there. Steve has some debt from his past, and he is paying it off quite quickly.

I am really proud of him.

Also; I will mention that since this is my personal blog, I have thought about moving back home. But I am too passive to survive the constant quarrels that my brother causes. He's quite troublesome, and I am ashamed to be related to him sometimes.

014: Self worth.

I'm not looking for attention or anything. I don't even know what I'm looking for sometimes.

Moodswings have begun again, and I know it's compeletly psychological. I should stop this as soon as I can.

I know that I have an almost-perfect life at this time. Being able to pay my bills, I have a job. I have a loving boyfriend and I have almost no debt with $1500 saved up.

For some reason, my brain isn't too fond of the decisions I'm making at this time. I feel that I am a bad person, because I want to be greedy. I want to finish the housework without anyone feeling as if I do all the work. I want people to stop asking me questions about myself, where I'm from. What I do in my spare time.

I am quite happy that I do not have a cat anymore. I hate to admit it, but I became angry. I threw him all over the apartment, I gave him baths because I could - not because he was dirty. The worse scenario was when I made him so mad that he hid inside a wall at my old apartment.

Sometimes, I wonder what if. What if I stayed in Williams Lake, went to school to become a social worker and then persued to be what I wanted to be.

Instead, I came to Calgary, and caught ~. I became more street-smart, yet I still lack basic skills.

Steve won't let me in the kitchen, there's not enough room there for both of us. Mum never taught me how to cook. Sure, I can flip burgers. What else do you need in life?

I am beginning the rounds of depression again. I think that I need some time by myself, maybe a week - away from life. I know Steve may not be able to sleep, but I need to think myself through. I just wish that I was making more money, so I could actually afford what I need instead of scraping it together.

Yeah, kid. You've come a long way. You've become everything that you hate about yourself.

013: And those thoughts run through my mind.

I seem to be bouncing around with the whole 'Am I living life right?' over and over. I know that I have a lot to work on, and that I need to progress myself artistically and mentally as well. It will come when it comes. At this time, I have one thing that I need to finish:

-Get my tattoo removed.

I am hoping that within 2-3 tries of getting it removed, that it will be gone, forever. I thought I was a 'linguist', I thought I had some class. There I go, trusting Google and received a spelling mistake on my arm.

My appointment with the new tattoo remover is tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous, but it should be okay.

Everything else is going well. I am possibly thinking about deleting facebook though. Maybe go to the olden days where I actually went and did things. We'll see. I'll have to think about it hard. It means that I would be updating this more often.

Steve and me went all over the North West of Calgary two days ago. It was nice to get out. Unfortunately, no pictures. But we did enjoy everything that we did.

Tomorrow's going to be a long day. I'll be okay though. I'll let everyone know how the removal went.

Ciao.

012: A new beginning.

A lot has changed recently in my life. The biggest acclomplishment that I would like to mention is that I have a wireless keyboard and mouse for my computer. That, and the mousepad cost $95 all together. It has influenced my (and Steve's idea) for a simplistic lifestyle.

We are going to be getting rid of the couches, the glass coffee table, the dining room table.. I may encourage him to get rid of the microwave as well, since we never use it. The only thing that we're upgrading is the bed from a queen to a king (late March) since we literally do not have enough room without bashing each other up in our sleep... Most of the time. On a more specific note though, we are looking for a lifestyle without much in the way.

We don't even use the couch, ever. We had bought a two people beanbag chair. It's starting to sink, but we enjoy it. It had 400kg of beans in it when we first bought it, and it was a major pain to carry on the train. That settled though, we'll be replacing the chairs and such with floor pillows (When we can find some good ones) and my computer desk is a side table with some napkins on it.
Major Ikea trip in late March, when our friend J arrives from Saskatchewan. He has a big truck. >.>

Anyway. I don't know where I left off on my last post. I just want to let everyone know that I did in fact, break up with Dan. 18yr age difference was too much to handle, especially if you both feel as you came from different worlds (Which we literally did) and your heart fell in the wrong place out of infatuation. It was a learning experience, and it had made me a better man. I am feeling much more in place than I ever did in the past and it can only get better, especially if we can talk out minor quarrels in the supermarket from us both being hungry. We had spent a week together in July 2010, and we automatically connected.
Dan and me had broken up in December of 2010 with Steve and myself moved in together. January and February of 2011 were both horrible, I literally became insane within myself and was breaking down once every two-three weeks. If you had met our ex-room-mate (He was giving us his basement, as long as we had registered and started going to University), you would have understood.
It became as bad as if I was half an hour late home from many errands I had done, then I wasn't allowed to eat and had a talking to of respect for others. That's not how you treat a (at the time) twenty-three year old. Sure, he may of been in the Army in the past, but with the women (and men) that he had as either friends or fuck buddies, they were all treated like shit. We even had his dog, "Mushie" turned against us at one time.

Talking about pets, we gave up 'Inukitsoq' or better known as 'Fatty' to a good family. I don't know how he is doing, but they seemed pretty promising that they wanted to take care of him. They also have three girls that will give him the attention that he lacked with us, and hopefully he could lose a few pounds. I hope the best for him.

After three long years at Starbucks, I had given up that position in my life, because there wasn't any promises about a promotion to become assistant manager, or a good life-work balance. I am now working in 'Ruth's Chris Steak House' (Website) as a server assistant, and I haven't had a more interesting work place. Sure, the people that worked at Starbucks had unique personalities, but at the same time - I could never get drunk with my co-workers after some shifts.

...Last staff party I ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. I do not handle wine well.

My health has majorly improved. I am now able to work a lot more without being tired all the time, and the money is worth it at Ruth's Chris. My gingivitis has mostly disappeared and I am beginning to take care of my oral health a lot more. (The mouth controls most of the pain in your upper body, and being Poz, I have to take extra special care of this.)

For this time, that will be all. I will update in the near future. I know that Shay wants to hear from me (and seeing her link herself to my blog encouraged me to restart it.)

Until next time, じゃ、また~.