015: To forth, and beyond.

I’ve decided that I don’t know what I really want.

I want to travel around Canada. I really do. The idea of moving to the North feels right. I could survive the winters, and as long as I have access to HIV medication, (I don’t want to hide the fact anymore.) then I will be fine.

I want to be immersed in another culture, another language. It necessarily doesn’t have to be a First Nations/Inuit culture that I would love to be in, but maybe Nova Scotia/New Brunswick - where I could learn Gaelic and learn how to jig. It’s either that, or I want to be somewhere that reminds me of home. Or even in a street full of those really pretty houses that are all different shades of eccentric colours from Yellow to Black. That’ll remind me of Greenland or the Faroe Islands.

I have found the person that I want to do this with, and I have a feeling that I do want to become a social worker eventually. I don’t think that I’m too compelled to be going to school. I have a feeling that I would majorly fuck up my education, because I am not encouraged to continue with that at this time, so I do not want to risk it.

The first step is to become Canadian, and then progress from there. Steve has some debt from his past, and he is paying it off quite quickly.

I am really proud of him.

Also; I will mention that since this is my personal blog, I have thought about moving back home. But I am too passive to survive the constant quarrels that my brother causes. He's quite troublesome, and I am ashamed to be related to him sometimes.

014: Self worth.

I'm not looking for attention or anything. I don't even know what I'm looking for sometimes.

Moodswings have begun again, and I know it's compeletly psychological. I should stop this as soon as I can.

I know that I have an almost-perfect life at this time. Being able to pay my bills, I have a job. I have a loving boyfriend and I have almost no debt with $1500 saved up.

For some reason, my brain isn't too fond of the decisions I'm making at this time. I feel that I am a bad person, because I want to be greedy. I want to finish the housework without anyone feeling as if I do all the work. I want people to stop asking me questions about myself, where I'm from. What I do in my spare time.

I am quite happy that I do not have a cat anymore. I hate to admit it, but I became angry. I threw him all over the apartment, I gave him baths because I could - not because he was dirty. The worse scenario was when I made him so mad that he hid inside a wall at my old apartment.

Sometimes, I wonder what if. What if I stayed in Williams Lake, went to school to become a social worker and then persued to be what I wanted to be.

Instead, I came to Calgary, and caught ~. I became more street-smart, yet I still lack basic skills.

Steve won't let me in the kitchen, there's not enough room there for both of us. Mum never taught me how to cook. Sure, I can flip burgers. What else do you need in life?

I am beginning the rounds of depression again. I think that I need some time by myself, maybe a week - away from life. I know Steve may not be able to sleep, but I need to think myself through. I just wish that I was making more money, so I could actually afford what I need instead of scraping it together.

Yeah, kid. You've come a long way. You've become everything that you hate about yourself.

013: And those thoughts run through my mind.

I seem to be bouncing around with the whole 'Am I living life right?' over and over. I know that I have a lot to work on, and that I need to progress myself artistically and mentally as well. It will come when it comes. At this time, I have one thing that I need to finish:

-Get my tattoo removed.

I am hoping that within 2-3 tries of getting it removed, that it will be gone, forever. I thought I was a 'linguist', I thought I had some class. There I go, trusting Google and received a spelling mistake on my arm.

My appointment with the new tattoo remover is tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous, but it should be okay.

Everything else is going well. I am possibly thinking about deleting facebook though. Maybe go to the olden days where I actually went and did things. We'll see. I'll have to think about it hard. It means that I would be updating this more often.

Steve and me went all over the North West of Calgary two days ago. It was nice to get out. Unfortunately, no pictures. But we did enjoy everything that we did.

Tomorrow's going to be a long day. I'll be okay though. I'll let everyone know how the removal went.

Ciao.